This is not as bad as you might think: I know, I know, the title is a little … odd (but then so is the funny, little story it refers to.).
It really wasn’t that long ago, ten years to be exact, when MiLady and I were engaged and still planning our wedding. My three sons were still small (Junior was 9yo, Captain was 7, Chef was 5) — and when I say “small” I mean that I was actually taller than they were!
Now, back then, MiLady’s and my lives were never dull, there was always something going on:
- By Kindergarten, Chef could recite/ recognize his alphabet and print his name;
- By Grade Three, Captain had learned to spell my name on his Detention Forms: the only thing that gave him away? He printed; and,
- Junior was a speed reader: he would recognize certain letter combinations and assume the rest of the word
Every two weeks was grocery day, usually a Saturday, and one of us (MiLady or I) would go get whatever items on were “The List.”
We made the mistake — only once! — of everyone going for groceries; and were gone for over six hours! [Any parents with small children can relate: do not go to the big, blue store if it has the fast-food clown in it; you will lose, what little left you have, of your sanity.].
After that disastrous encounter, we figured that Chef would be the best one to take on errands, while Junior and Captain stay home and help MiLady with household chores.
Now, on the refrigerator door was a pad of paper with a magnetic strip upon the back — we would make a running list during the week of the items we ran out of, and then Saturday morning, MiLady and I would go through the list … except for one particular Saturday …
In a bit of a rush, I grabbed the paper then Chef and I took off for the store. Once there, we got a cart and looked at the list.
- Toy Lot Raper
- and about 30 other things
“Toy Lot Raper?” I must have said it out loud, because the look my youngest son gave me was total fear.
“No, Daddy, no,” he whimpered, “Not me!”
[A few years later, Chef confided that he was afraid to walk in the mall parking lots for fear someone would come and steal the toy he had brought along for company!].
If this happened today, I could easily have called home using my cell; but I didn’t own a cell phone back then.
Ninety minutes later, we returned home with everything but that one item.
As I helped MiLady put things away. she looked over our purchases.
“Why did you buy soap?” she asked, “We have plenty.”
“It was on the list,” I confessed, “Along with a Toy Lot Raper.”
Pulling the folded note from my pocket, I handed it to her.
“Oh, my!” she laughed. “Well, that’s the last time I ask Junior to write anything down for me.”
“So we didn’t need soap?”
“Uh, uh,” she answered shaking her head. “SOUP! Tomato, mushroom and chicken noodle.”
“And that other thing?”
It was about thirty minutes later, when the mystery was figured out: someone called from behind the bathroom door.
“MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE’S THE TOILET PAPER????”